Madballs, Weird Balls, Super Bouncing Weird Balls, Monster Balls, Blurp Balls, Krazy Balls, Freakballs, Squirt Devils and other nameless imitations.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Waterlogged Weirdos!

"Squirts In Multiple Directions"

So this week's dudes aren't great but they're pretty fun. I feel like after that Zombie Zoo post a few weeks back, you deserve cool stuff for the next few weeks to make up for it. These idiots are all water squirting hollow rubber balls. We've got two sets, Monster Spitballs and plain old ordinary Spitballs. One large, one small but only one deadly.

Monster Spitballs are up first and they definitely win the best packaging award. Entertech here, went for a classic monster motif, with a Frankenstein and a Dracula ball. Apparently Entertech were making all sorts of water based toys in the 80s like motorized water pistols and stuff! Thankfully, they moved into the monster ball market with these.

Look how cool that cover is! Dracula and Frankenstein frolicking together! OH MY GOD THEY'RE HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME! They're smiling! I like to think that they were on some sort of monster retreat at an ancient Transylvanian castle to build creature character, complete with trust exercises. "Entertech: Making Better Monsters".

OH GOD THE BACK IS JUST AS GOOD! Look at that graphic. Like you couldn't figure out how these worked on your own, but it's really cute. Anyway, onto the balls!

The Frankenstein is pretty cool but a little more cartoony than the Drac. It reminds me a little of that weird 60's cartoon stylized Frank Monster Ball from before. I like the purple bags under his eyes and his weird wrinkley mouth! The best part however, it the fact that the water squirts from the giant half stitched wound in his head!

The Dracula is pretty cool too but in a different way. It actually kinda looks like Bela Lugosi! It's really well sculpted and designed, especially for something this small. It makes me even more mad about the Zombie Zoo idiots. They were so much larger and so much worse. Guh!
Moving from the 80s to the 90s we come to these regular style Spitballs. Well Spitball. I only have one. And it's a pretty cool one. It's named 20/20 and it's a giant Oculus Orbus influenced eyeball thing. The back of the package is full of drawings and slogans and other fun stuff including MORE instructions. Why is it so hard for people to figure out how to use these things?!

There were only four of these, a shark, a bomb and a crying baby were the others. A shark is pretty cool but the other two? WTF? Lame, guys. That's the same kind of lame I would expect from Super Bouncing Weird Balls or Foul Ba-.....OH.....MY.....GOD....Landard. I KNOW THOSE IDIOTS! THEY ACTUALLY MADE FOUL BALLS! OOF! Those were so horrible! But...dare I say, these are pretty good? So, what's the deal?

Oh, that's the deal! They finally make a monster ball that's half decent and it's poisonous! FULL OF LEAD! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Maybe it's some monster ball assassin trying to snuff me out for talking smack on their other toy lines? But that would mean that it was made in the 90's in in preparation for my late aughts betrayal! Like The Terminator!

Well, now that I know my arch-Madball-enemy has tried to assassinate me let's get this over with and look at this stupid ball. I mean the disembodied eye is a classic monsterball design. And this one is filled with details. All those lines in iris, and the three dimensional veins! I will say that it's weird that the actual eye ball has a brow? That doesn't make sense!

But it is cool! Look how gross those giant veins are in the back! Ew! It's almost as bad as that goddamn Lanard logo. Idiots.

And because you've all been so good, you get a family portrait! Well actually, its so you can see scale.

In conclusion, I'd suggest these guys to anyone. They're fun and well designed. Ok maybe I wouldn't suggest the Spitball because it's full of lead but the other ones, totally get 'em!

Monday, July 9, 2012

Give Pop-Pop Your Hair

"The Hairy Balls You Hurl"

So, someone was in a board meeting at Cadaco and pitched that catch phrase. You know, the one about the hairy balls.. Probably guys in suits or at the very least, business casual, and coffee and a giant 90's computer. They tossed various ideas around, but the one that they liked so much they put it on the front AND back of the package was "The Hairy Balls You Hurl".

Despite that ridiculous faux pas, I have to admit that these are pretty cool. They're made of soft hollow rubber, filled with details and the designs themselves are pretty cool. There must have been a monster ball revival in the 90's that I wasn't aware of or paying attention to. Freak Balls, Spitballs and these guys all popped up around then.

I had heard of these dudes but never actually seen one for sale anywhere. The package pictures below I saw (and stole from) But that's it. Never saw one at a toy show or even so much as a few strands of that gross hair at the bottom of a Berlin Farmer's Mart $1 toy bin. Then one popped up on ebay, followed by a pair that were on etsy (all three were ridiculously cheap, partially making up for how much I spent on those stupid, stupid Zombie Zoos). We'll get to the toys in a sec. For now, let's look at these internet captured package pics.

Right off the bat, these guys are doing better than most. They have names, and little bios, as well as full color pics of each one on the back. Well done Cadaco!

The person I stole these pics from, was kind enough to take a close up of the copyright info. I did a little internet hunting and found out that Cadaco is still alive and kicking. In fact they made this awesome thing!

So, let's move onto the actual hairy balls. This first one is one of my favorites of that 90's era. Doc Hairline Fracture is a combo mad scientist/monster creation complete with stitches, bulging blooshot eyes, wrinkley green skin and LOTS of teeth (kinda like Dr. Teeth). The detail in the sculpt is amazing. So many little folds and warts. Even the paint job is good! The veins in the eyes are super cool. But the most important thing, that separates these from the myriads of knock offs in the 80's and 90's are those disgusting strands. I appreciate the fact that Cadaco tried to do something that would set them apart, but why, oh why did they put hair on these? It's so gross, which I guess makes sense when you're making gross out toys. Ew.

Next up we have one of the rarest of all monster balls...a definite lady monster ball. Other than Snake Bait, I don't know of another monster ball that is purposely designed as a lady. It's a shame because I'm sure there were a bunch of gross creepy girls that enjoyed these toys back then. Mouldy Locks here is a gross, gross toy for all the ladies. Some sort of zombie with warts, wrinkles and splatters of slime and those disgusting curly green locks. I don't really mind the hair that much but it's odd because these Hurlers would've worked even without that added touch.

Lastly we have this weirdo (Buzz Head). He's not my favorite but I've never been a fan of the "regular guy" Madballs (ie-Screamin Meemie). He just looks like a gross dude with buck teeth and red hair. Again though, there's tons of details that make him better than most of the bull crap imitations.

Up above you can see what these morons look like compared to actual Madballs. They're roughly the same size, but made of Sadball material and of course, with hair.

In conclusion, if you can track these dumb-dumbs down, you shouldn't buy them because I call dibs. Unless they're the ones I already have, then go for it!

They don't pop up too often though, so be vigilant and good hunting!

Monday, July 2, 2012

The New Spew Review

"Mangy Mutants!"

Oh god. Seriously? I can't believe I decided to restart this blog with these awful idiots. Like, I know I've posted some garbage in the past (like Foul Balls, Super Bouncing Weird Balls) but Zombie Zoo is by far the worst. Ok, maybe not "by far" but they're pretty bad.
I have to say, I was excited when I saw these pop up on ebay, because Zombie Zoo was a kind of rip off I'd always heard about, but never actually seen. I heard people refer to them and even read a few descriptions, but never had I actually glimpsed one. Like the cryptids of the monster ball kingdom. And much like someone that searches for a bigfoot or a chupacabra, I would've been better off having not seen them. The packaging is misleading, with full color drawings, a super awesome logo (blood and lightning!), multiple slogans and even a backstory present these idiots to be way better than they are. Look at those drawings! They're only a little bit worse than some James Groman work. That's saying something! But the execution. Oof! We'll get to that in a minute. Before that I'll type out their origin for you:

"One night when the moon was full, a weird color slime was found in a local city zoo. Cages were found open, bars were bent; and the result is the ugliest, mangiest bunch of zombies ever to escape captivity. Beware of the...Zombie Zoo Collection."

While I do appreciate that they took the time to write a "story", it is pretty lazy. What was the slime? Where did it come from? Why does the monkey have a vice on his head if he's a mutant?
PS guys "These play balls are not recommended for ages 3 and under"...there's got to be a better way to say that. Oh and those slogans..."Throw 'Em", "Mangy Mutants", and "Creepy Bouncy". So lazy. That drawing of that kid is pretty cool though. Look at him "throwing".
On the back of the package you can see all the cool drawings and names with even short descriptions of each guy. This is so much more effort than the dummies that made Super Bouncing Weird Balls put into their product. It's too bad the sculptors they hired were a bunch or moronic idiots with toes for fingers.Seriously. Look at Bone Breath here. Well, first look up at the picture that shows the drawings of them, then look down at this guy. Something was lost in translation. Details were deleted, nuances were tossed in the trash and paint jobs were haphazard. And this is the best one. Monkey Mash here is maybe the second best, at least as far as one looking like the animal it is supposed to represent. He's way worse that the drawing though. I think he's supposed to have a vice on his head? But again, just a huge pile of lumps and sloppy paint. Ok, ok, ok. This one is horrible. Atrocious. Like, what is this?! I'm guessing from the name Wart Rus, he's supposed to be a Walrus but maybe a walrus sculpted by a blind person that has never even heard a walrus described to them. I think his eyes are supposed to be stitched shut and his nose is bleeding..ketchup?, but then what are the two indented holes in between his nostrils and eyes?!'s killing me. As a Madball aficionado, I am offended sirs! Even the material they used is abysmal. They're foam like Madballs, but really soft foam. It looks like there were bubbles in it that popped and left huge gaping holes in it. Guh!Nope! I was wrong. This is the worst one. Bloody Bull?! NOOoooooooOOOOOoooooooo! THIS IS NOT A BULL! A- Why would it be blue. B-It's not a shaped like a bull. C-It's not shaped like any animal. D-It kinda looks like Trumpy. E-Fuck you.These write ups are actually starting to hurt now. Not emotionally but physically. It's paining me to write them. My stomach hurts and I have a headache. Because this is supposed to be an elephant. Missing an eye. Eye Lephant. It makes me even madder that the names are cool but the toys themselves are the worst. Like the worst. I may have just pooped myself from awful.
Vein Brain. Dumb. I can't even write this one up. I mean I guess I can? But I don't really want to. A dog with a leash around it's neck and in its mouth and veins in his ears and his head cut off? And it kinda looks racist?! WTF?! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! BAD!
I guess if you want to you can see the size comparison. Zombie Zoos are larger, and the foam is softer and they are also the worst. THE WORST. NO, NO, NO!

As far as the dillholes responsible, I've looked up Panville Inc from Chicago and I've found nothing. Not a thing. Which is good, because that means they stopped after they unleashed this hell in ball form.

In conclusion, only an idiot anal retentive collector would ever spend more than $1 on any of these stupid dummies and, trust me, I spent way more than that...boooooooo......

The next post will be something way cooler, I promise.