Madballs, Weird Balls, Super Bouncing Weird Balls, Monster Balls, Blurp Balls, Krazy Balls, Freakballs, Squirt Devils and other nameless imitations.

Monday, July 2, 2012

The New Spew Review

"Mangy Mutants!"

Oh god. Seriously? I can't believe I decided to restart this blog with these awful idiots. Like, I know I've posted some garbage in the past (like Foul Balls, Super Bouncing Weird Balls) but Zombie Zoo is by far the worst. Ok, maybe not "by far" but they're pretty bad.
I have to say, I was excited when I saw these pop up on ebay, because Zombie Zoo was a kind of rip off I'd always heard about, but never actually seen. I heard people refer to them and even read a few descriptions, but never had I actually glimpsed one. Like the cryptids of the monster ball kingdom. And much like someone that searches for a bigfoot or a chupacabra, I would've been better off having not seen them. The packaging is misleading, with full color drawings, a super awesome logo (blood and lightning!), multiple slogans and even a backstory present these idiots to be way better than they are. Look at those drawings! They're only a little bit worse than some James Groman work. That's saying something! But the execution. Oof! We'll get to that in a minute. Before that I'll type out their origin for you:

"One night when the moon was full, a weird color slime was found in a local city zoo. Cages were found open, bars were bent; and the result is the ugliest, mangiest bunch of zombies ever to escape captivity. Beware of the...Zombie Zoo Collection."

While I do appreciate that they took the time to write a "story", it is pretty lazy. What was the slime? Where did it come from? Why does the monkey have a vice on his head if he's a mutant?
PS guys "These play balls are not recommended for ages 3 and under"...there's got to be a better way to say that. Oh and those slogans..."Throw 'Em", "Mangy Mutants", and "Creepy Bouncy". So lazy. That drawing of that kid is pretty cool though. Look at him "throwing".
On the back of the package you can see all the cool drawings and names with even short descriptions of each guy. This is so much more effort than the dummies that made Super Bouncing Weird Balls put into their product. It's too bad the sculptors they hired were a bunch or moronic idiots with toes for fingers.Seriously. Look at Bone Breath here. Well, first look up at the picture that shows the drawings of them, then look down at this guy. Something was lost in translation. Details were deleted, nuances were tossed in the trash and paint jobs were haphazard. And this is the best one. Monkey Mash here is maybe the second best, at least as far as one looking like the animal it is supposed to represent. He's way worse that the drawing though. I think he's supposed to have a vice on his head? But again, just a huge pile of lumps and sloppy paint. Ok, ok, ok. This one is horrible. Atrocious. Like, what is this?! I'm guessing from the name Wart Rus, he's supposed to be a Walrus but maybe a walrus sculpted by a blind person that has never even heard a walrus described to them. I think his eyes are supposed to be stitched shut and his nose is bleeding..ketchup?, but then what are the two indented holes in between his nostrils and eyes?! Ugghhhhhh.....it's killing me. As a Madball aficionado, I am offended sirs! Even the material they used is abysmal. They're foam like Madballs, but really soft foam. It looks like there were bubbles in it that popped and left huge gaping holes in it. Guh!Nope! I was wrong. This is the worst one. Bloody Bull?! NOOoooooooOOOOOoooooooo! THIS IS NOT A BULL! A- Why would it be blue. B-It's not a shaped like a bull. C-It's not shaped like any animal. D-It kinda looks like Trumpy. E-Fuck you.These write ups are actually starting to hurt now. Not emotionally but physically. It's paining me to write them. My stomach hurts and I have a headache. Because this is supposed to be an elephant. Missing an eye. Eye Lephant. It makes me even madder that the names are cool but the toys themselves are the worst. Like the worst. I may have just pooped myself from awful.
Vein Brain. Dumb. I can't even write this one up. I mean I guess I can? But I don't really want to. A dog with a leash around it's neck and in its mouth and veins in his ears and his head cut off? And it kinda looks racist?! WTF?! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! BAD!
I guess if you want to you can see the size comparison. Zombie Zoos are larger, and the foam is softer and they are also the worst. THE WORST. NO, NO, NO!

As far as the dillholes responsible, I've looked up Panville Inc from Chicago and I've found nothing. Not a thing. Which is good, because that means they stopped after they unleashed this hell in ball form.

In conclusion, only an idiot anal retentive collector would ever spend more than $1 on any of these stupid dummies and, trust me, I spent way more than that...boooooooo......

The next post will be something way cooler, I promise.

2 comments:

  1. I hate to bring this up, as I may be scratching at a scab, but I confess I was the "artist" responsible for all of this. I loved seeing the pics and was crying with laughter at your descriptions! You are 100% accurate in your evaluation.
    (I actually don't know anything about Panville, I did this project as staff designer for a licensing company (Flair Licensing & Design) in NYC.)

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  2. OH MY GOD! CAN I INTERVIEW YOU?! email me at michael_bukowski@hotmail.com

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